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Vol. 3:  Saudade

And Then She Conquers

Smriti Prabakaran

Smriti Prabakaran is a passionate debater, voracious reader, environmentalist & a proud feminist. She has published her own collaborative poetry book, enjoys travelling, reading crime thrillers & playing Mozart on the piano. She hails from Madurai & is currently pursuing her undergraduate education in Hansraj College, University of Delhi.

beautiful utopia.
saudade keeps me up at night.

a naïve little dreamer, wistfulness in her eyes & longing in her heart wipes away the tears of disillusionment.
blinded by the harsh light that had flooded in when the walls of the fortress of her protected childhood in one swift motion had fallen, she beholds, for the first time, the world in all its stained glory as it lay sprawled before her, complete with its imperfections, inescapable injustice & inexplicable cruelty, sneering at her, extending its vicious arms -one to embrace & the other to kill.

i lie in bed, heart pounding in my ears, waiting for the angry voices of my mind to quieten & heal from the day’s trauma.
slowly i let my thoughts drift away from the demons, inevitably they find it:

beautiful utopia.

a world where its most dominant species was not irredeemably fractured amongst itself, thriving on treachery & brutal oppression.

utopia was the celebration of the divine feminine. utopia would never bear witness to a bunch of men, secure in manhood they often profoundly lack, form all of the government, executive & judiciary & pass legislation that not only asserted their destructive dominance over but also severely undermined bodily autonomy of any & all women. utopia would never ask of the wife to bend over backwards attending to the whims and fancies of the husband. utopia would never reduce a woman to her reproductive abilities alone. utopia was in a young girl, heart brimming with dreams, desire & a certain invigorating passion for life; in utopia, she wasn't sold to the highest bidder in the auction called marriage. she walked the earth, head held high, the might & devastating royalty of whose mind the world knelt down before.
descriptions, never romanticisation; it was the most perfect embodiment of beauty.


this world could not be any more different. she does not want this world, she loathes it.
she decides to change it.
utopia may be hidden away in the deepest trenches of history & fantasy but she knew just how that distance could be traversed. how the unattainable could be conquered.
it would take the systematic dismantling & destabilising of every institution of tyranny man has ever dared build on this sacred ground, her sacred home. man’s world, as we know it, shall end and in the ashes of his annihilation, the New Age will be born & all dues paid in full.

𝑠𝑎𝑢𝑑𝑎𝑑𝑒. 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑖𝑡𝑠 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑖𝑠𝑒, 𝑖 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛.

overwhelmed & shivering, our little dreamer closes her eyes, and amidst the chaos of uncertainty, a faint glimmer of hope says hello.

p.s. the fire that spark incited, later devoured the mightiest & proud forests.

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